5.26.98
when i was little, about six, i was afraid of windows. at night, sitting in
our den, i had this unshakable fear of clowns -mean and ugly -popping up at
the windows. even in my bedroom on the second floor, the panes of glass
supported, framed by wood, the visual connection to the outside, frightened
me. it was not so much clowns in my bedroom as the fear of someone, anyone,
looking at me, watching me sleep. my own method of protection was my comforter.
even when it was the middle of summer, i would sleep in as few clothes as
possible, with my comforter over my head. we only had window fans -no air
conditioning. i would not allow myself the comfort of fresh air to breathe
because that would mean exposure. i could not reduce my covers to a sheet
because that would not be sufficient protection. i would wake up in the
mornings drenched in sweat. i have always had a lot of fear, but nothing that
really impedes my functioning. i have always been susceptable to movies, but
it's only temporary. i still possess my fear of windows, but it has become less
serious over the years. they only bother me on the ground floor. also, my
conception of protection is still somewhat silly -curtains. out of sight, out
of mind. a greater fear that i have now is people. i am always upset with myself
for feeling this way. it's the one's i don't know, the dangerous people that do
exist out there somewhere. there's no guarentee that i'll ever come in contact
with one, but the fact that it's possible...i always imagine circumstances with
the people walking by me on the street. i don't take a step away or walk in the
other direction, but i'm ready. this applies to the window thing: i'm no longer
afraid of clowns popping up, but psychotic men to rob or kill me. i guess my
fears have grown with me - as a sense of my reality has changed, so have my fears.
that must be true of things beside fear, like acceptance. the younger one is,
the stronger one holds the belief that anything is possible, that one can have
whatever one wants, that anything can change. but with maturity comes a growing
conception of reality, it becomes (sometimes painfully) obvious what's possible
and what's not. then one must accept what's not.
so, i don't think that it's a weakness to fear something, as long as it doesn't
own any part of you. it's more like an awareness. not fearing leaves you vulnerable
because you lack even the most casual caution -which is necessary because reality
demands that danger exists. but fearing everything leaves you no other emotions. it's
a delicate balance, like all of life.